Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I'm dropping Diary of a Dead Man. It's sluggish and unfocused and nobody is really reading it anyway. Also Sleeping With The Enemy is going on hiatus because it's safer simply not to have anything to say. This is a fact I learned a while back but didn't want to accept because I figured it made more sense to say your peace and be honest than lie to people but I have since discovered that to be a flawed theory. It works on paper but so does communism so...
My life has been in limbo for the past month and I'm sick to death of it. Stuck at a fork in the road, staring at it like a monkey doing a math problem, feeling like the kid on the short bus in the helmet licking the window. Decide to go one way and get punched in the face...well fuck...ok then. Stand there for a little while holding your jaw and decide, "Well that was obviously the wrong answer...and I'm still alive so I guess we go the OTHER way right?" So I'm laying in the fetal position a few steps down the OTHER branch of the fork, tears welling up in my eyes, desperately trying to comprehend how getting kicked in the nuts for taking the "not-punched-in-the-face" branch is fair. I swear to god I'm never going to understand this shit...
Anyhow this is the last post I'm going to write for a while, if ever, because now I've made the choice to have nothing to say. To anyone. About anything. I'm never right so I might as well shut the fuck up. So long and thanks for all the fish.
10.25.2010
10.21.2010
Random ramblings
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
Haven't posted here in a few days it seems...caught up in other things I suppose. Here's the current state of the union folks. I'm thrashing through some of my existentialist despair through contemplation of adopting a few additional media into my expressive arsenal.
As some of you may know I've begun work on an episodic story on another blog. The episodic approach as well as the first person introspective "diary" style I've adopted presents some interesting challenges as well as some exciting freedoms that wouldn't be possible in a more traditional format. For instance, being episodic I can let the story change and flow without having to know how it all turns out myself...I'm just as excited for the next episode as the readers (assuming there are any). The diary aspect allows a peek into the characters personal thoughts without excessive narration and leaves the reader responsible for filling in all the details from their own imagination. Personally I think that horrors are much more effective when the audience fills in the gaps themselves because they will naturally take those things they fear and use them to paint the picture for themselves resulting in a much more effective story. Sadly there hasn't been much response or interest in the story as far as I can tell.
Now if you're familiar with me you'll know that writing could never be considered "a new media of expression" so on to the new. I can't draw, I can't paint, but I still feel something of a gap in my ability to express the ideas and concepts in my head because of a complete lack of any form of visual media. Oddly enough, the work on Diary of a Dead Man has reminded me of a few interests from my past that, combined with some previously unconsidered forms of artistic expression, could easily lend themselves to an EXTREMELY visual media that I may (or may not, of course) be able to find a really effective outlet in. Anyone curious? Well I'm thinking the forgiving nature of oil based modeling clays (they don't harden so I can forever adjust and edit) combined with my experience and interest in makeup effects including foam latex appliances could give rise to a form of sculpture removed from the norm. Something that's not quite sculpture, but not quite halloween mask either...my first subject would of course be the "Dead Man" from the Diary.
In other news I've recently decided I want a puppy. No not just any dog, because I hate 99.8% of canine companions the world over, but a puppy. I'm in the market for a limited AKC registered blue Dane pup between 7-10 weeks and am currently solidifying my choice of breeder and preparing for the great journey of raising and training a gentle giant. No they may not be well known as brilliant thinkers, but to be quite honest I've considered many aspects of canine personality and feel that an overly intelligent breed would be beyond my capacity. Smart dogs get bored easily, bored dogs get destructive. I could write an entire essay on the research I've done that brought me to the Dane as the perfect breed for me and probably refute a lot of the arguments I'd hear about how I don't live on a farm so the dog would never have as much space as it needs. (Danes are mid-to-low-activity and perfectly suited to being house dogs despite their size not to mention they're people pups and need human contact to be happy). The breeder I have selected (as of now) has a litter of blues scheduled for winter so I'm going to start getting everything ready to welcome my new gangly ball of steel blue uncoordinated happiness into his new home.
Haven't posted here in a few days it seems...caught up in other things I suppose. Here's the current state of the union folks. I'm thrashing through some of my existentialist despair through contemplation of adopting a few additional media into my expressive arsenal.
As some of you may know I've begun work on an episodic story on another blog. The episodic approach as well as the first person introspective "diary" style I've adopted presents some interesting challenges as well as some exciting freedoms that wouldn't be possible in a more traditional format. For instance, being episodic I can let the story change and flow without having to know how it all turns out myself...I'm just as excited for the next episode as the readers (assuming there are any). The diary aspect allows a peek into the characters personal thoughts without excessive narration and leaves the reader responsible for filling in all the details from their own imagination. Personally I think that horrors are much more effective when the audience fills in the gaps themselves because they will naturally take those things they fear and use them to paint the picture for themselves resulting in a much more effective story. Sadly there hasn't been much response or interest in the story as far as I can tell.
Now if you're familiar with me you'll know that writing could never be considered "a new media of expression" so on to the new. I can't draw, I can't paint, but I still feel something of a gap in my ability to express the ideas and concepts in my head because of a complete lack of any form of visual media. Oddly enough, the work on Diary of a Dead Man has reminded me of a few interests from my past that, combined with some previously unconsidered forms of artistic expression, could easily lend themselves to an EXTREMELY visual media that I may (or may not, of course) be able to find a really effective outlet in. Anyone curious? Well I'm thinking the forgiving nature of oil based modeling clays (they don't harden so I can forever adjust and edit) combined with my experience and interest in makeup effects including foam latex appliances could give rise to a form of sculpture removed from the norm. Something that's not quite sculpture, but not quite halloween mask either...my first subject would of course be the "Dead Man" from the Diary.
In other news I've recently decided I want a puppy. No not just any dog, because I hate 99.8% of canine companions the world over, but a puppy. I'm in the market for a limited AKC registered blue Dane pup between 7-10 weeks and am currently solidifying my choice of breeder and preparing for the great journey of raising and training a gentle giant. No they may not be well known as brilliant thinkers, but to be quite honest I've considered many aspects of canine personality and feel that an overly intelligent breed would be beyond my capacity. Smart dogs get bored easily, bored dogs get destructive. I could write an entire essay on the research I've done that brought me to the Dane as the perfect breed for me and probably refute a lot of the arguments I'd hear about how I don't live on a farm so the dog would never have as much space as it needs. (Danes are mid-to-low-activity and perfectly suited to being house dogs despite their size not to mention they're people pups and need human contact to be happy). The breeder I have selected (as of now) has a litter of blues scheduled for winter so I'm going to start getting everything ready to welcome my new gangly ball of steel blue uncoordinated happiness into his new home.
10.13.2010
Occam's folley
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
It seems we've had something of a breakthrough along this painful path of late the most important of which actually wasn't mine and for that I couldn't be more grateful. All things considered the obvious solution is to cut our losses and run like hell but instead we're flipping Occam the bird and heading once more into the breach with our new found revelations to see if we can't forge something better from the wreckage than we started out with. Who the fuck am I kidding...I never do shit the easy way. Hey Murphy...go eat a dick, motherfucker.
It seems we've had something of a breakthrough along this painful path of late the most important of which actually wasn't mine and for that I couldn't be more grateful. All things considered the obvious solution is to cut our losses and run like hell but instead we're flipping Occam the bird and heading once more into the breach with our new found revelations to see if we can't forge something better from the wreckage than we started out with. Who the fuck am I kidding...I never do shit the easy way. Hey Murphy...go eat a dick, motherfucker.
10.12.2010
Eureeka...I'm screwed
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
Anybody ever read Heller? I had an emotional/philosophical breakthrough pointed out to me last night which I quite honestly believe I should have come to under my own power. Just demonstrates how far out of my comfort zone this all is. Turns out under the circumstances the conclusion of all this fiasco is as much my decision as the other party's. I hadn't considered having any influence over the ending whatsoever but find I am faced with the realization that I wolde bothe eate my cake, and have my cake. The obvious juxtaposition between Einstein's definition of insanity and Yossarian's paradox is not a new position to find myself in, as I had already referenced it in a prior post. I'm a little curious as to whether she was cleverly reminding me I had said it or if it really just is that patently obvious but the reasoning bears little relevance to the issue at hand other than sometimes I think she's smarter than she gives herself credit for. There's another half to this post but I'm stuck...damn it...is this making sense to anyone?
Anybody ever read Heller? I had an emotional/philosophical breakthrough pointed out to me last night which I quite honestly believe I should have come to under my own power. Just demonstrates how far out of my comfort zone this all is. Turns out under the circumstances the conclusion of all this fiasco is as much my decision as the other party's. I hadn't considered having any influence over the ending whatsoever but find I am faced with the realization that I wolde bothe eate my cake, and have my cake. The obvious juxtaposition between Einstein's definition of insanity and Yossarian's paradox is not a new position to find myself in, as I had already referenced it in a prior post. I'm a little curious as to whether she was cleverly reminding me I had said it or if it really just is that patently obvious but the reasoning bears little relevance to the issue at hand other than sometimes I think she's smarter than she gives herself credit for. There's another half to this post but I'm stuck...damn it...is this making sense to anyone?
10.10.2010
Pride and predjudice
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
Ok listen I posted hastily this afternoon because I was angry and I didn't think it all the way through and go back and edit things like I normally do. I also won't delete it because I have a rule here...I'll delete comments but I'll never delete posts. My marriage has come to an end. I am not happy about that and I am even less happy that I will forever be assumed the bad guy when what really destroyed our marriage was my wife. She attacked me in her blog after we separated and I didn't. I have no intention of doing it now either or ever for that matter. We just ended up not being the people the other one needed and that's what this is all about. I haven't addressed this directly in my blogging or interactions because I have gone underground just like I said I was going to. I gave her terms for reconciliation and she wasn't interested in my terms. I love her and I miss her but things just can't be worked out and it's over. This post is to address all of the conclusions everyone has jumped to.
I'm not drinking myself to death. I'm not in a horrible downward spiral of self destruction. I AM NOT OK. Hear that? I'm admitting it. I'm not ok. I am depressed so severely I can't even leave my fucking house to go see the Airsho with my family. All I can do is get up in the mornings and go to work, then come home and maybe eat, maybe not. Go to sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. I need something from the store I go to the store. I need to go grab something to eat I grab something to eat. I can't face anyone right now ok? I want to put this out there for everyone and I'm saying it once. I'm not drinking lately. I went through my phase binge drinking and it lasted maybe three or four nights right after the whole thing fell apart. I am using my new blog as a creative outlet to vent how I'm feeling. My character can be what I can't but thinking through how he is reacting to write about him allows me to handle what I'm going through and still take care of business to stay sane.
I have suffered for years regardless of what everyone thinks and I'm not going to be able to change anything. I am accepting and dealing and healing to the best of my ability. It's not going all that well but hey I'm still here. I AM sick of everyone assuming I'm going to "do something stupid" or that I'm crawling into a bottle somewhere. If you were really that concerned you'd have come to check on me...and the only person that did was my step-sister. How about that huh? And nobody understands that I got along with my in-laws better than my own family and now I've lost them too. Now I'm alone in my life with my cat Flik and attempting to pick up the pieces of my life and find a way to put them back together. Like I said before thanks for all the fish.
Ok listen I posted hastily this afternoon because I was angry and I didn't think it all the way through and go back and edit things like I normally do. I also won't delete it because I have a rule here...I'll delete comments but I'll never delete posts. My marriage has come to an end. I am not happy about that and I am even less happy that I will forever be assumed the bad guy when what really destroyed our marriage was my wife. She attacked me in her blog after we separated and I didn't. I have no intention of doing it now either or ever for that matter. We just ended up not being the people the other one needed and that's what this is all about. I haven't addressed this directly in my blogging or interactions because I have gone underground just like I said I was going to. I gave her terms for reconciliation and she wasn't interested in my terms. I love her and I miss her but things just can't be worked out and it's over. This post is to address all of the conclusions everyone has jumped to.
I'm not drinking myself to death. I'm not in a horrible downward spiral of self destruction. I AM NOT OK. Hear that? I'm admitting it. I'm not ok. I am depressed so severely I can't even leave my fucking house to go see the Airsho with my family. All I can do is get up in the mornings and go to work, then come home and maybe eat, maybe not. Go to sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. I need something from the store I go to the store. I need to go grab something to eat I grab something to eat. I can't face anyone right now ok? I want to put this out there for everyone and I'm saying it once. I'm not drinking lately. I went through my phase binge drinking and it lasted maybe three or four nights right after the whole thing fell apart. I am using my new blog as a creative outlet to vent how I'm feeling. My character can be what I can't but thinking through how he is reacting to write about him allows me to handle what I'm going through and still take care of business to stay sane.
I have suffered for years regardless of what everyone thinks and I'm not going to be able to change anything. I am accepting and dealing and healing to the best of my ability. It's not going all that well but hey I'm still here. I AM sick of everyone assuming I'm going to "do something stupid" or that I'm crawling into a bottle somewhere. If you were really that concerned you'd have come to check on me...and the only person that did was my step-sister. How about that huh? And nobody understands that I got along with my in-laws better than my own family and now I've lost them too. Now I'm alone in my life with my cat Flik and attempting to pick up the pieces of my life and find a way to put them back together. Like I said before thanks for all the fish.
Listen up damn it
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
As I'm sure everyone has figured out my life is not going well. My wife and I are getting divorced, I'm on my own and I'm not happy about it. FOR THE RECORD I'm also to damn old to deal with the hangovers from drinking every night. My new blog Diary of a Dead Man is a CHARACTER I am writing. Get it? It's a STORY...like Cinderella, or Twilight, or the fucking bible ok?! PLEASE STOP TAKING IT LITERALLY!!!
It's based on the things going on in my life right now but it is STILL JUST A STORY!! GET IT?!
As I'm sure everyone has figured out my life is not going well. My wife and I are getting divorced, I'm on my own and I'm not happy about it. FOR THE RECORD I'm also to damn old to deal with the hangovers from drinking every night. My new blog Diary of a Dead Man is a CHARACTER I am writing. Get it? It's a STORY...like Cinderella, or Twilight, or the fucking bible ok?! PLEASE STOP TAKING IT LITERALLY!!!
It's based on the things going on in my life right now but it is STILL JUST A STORY!! GET IT?!
10.08.2010
Life after death
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I am dead. My heart is still beating. I'm still at work everyday. Sometimes I eat, most of the time I don't. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up in the morning but always do. But inside I'm dead. How can there be life after death? How can I go on now that my life is over? I can't face family or friends for the shame of my failure. Everyone tells me I'll be ok. I'll survive. But nobody seems to understand that I'm already dead and gone...my body just hasn't got the message yet. I hope it figures it out soon. I'm tired of hurting.
I'm lonely and alone now, whereas before I was merely lonely. I felt no love, no respect, but at least I had someone to talk to. Now I don't even have that. Part of me thinks now I have a chance to find someone who could really love me but the rest of me knows that's not possible. If the person I gave 8 years of my life to doesn't want me, nobody else ever will. I'm going to die alone. Just not soon enough for me.
I am dead. My heart is still beating. I'm still at work everyday. Sometimes I eat, most of the time I don't. I go to bed hoping I don't wake up in the morning but always do. But inside I'm dead. How can there be life after death? How can I go on now that my life is over? I can't face family or friends for the shame of my failure. Everyone tells me I'll be ok. I'll survive. But nobody seems to understand that I'm already dead and gone...my body just hasn't got the message yet. I hope it figures it out soon. I'm tired of hurting.
I'm lonely and alone now, whereas before I was merely lonely. I felt no love, no respect, but at least I had someone to talk to. Now I don't even have that. Part of me thinks now I have a chance to find someone who could really love me but the rest of me knows that's not possible. If the person I gave 8 years of my life to doesn't want me, nobody else ever will. I'm going to die alone. Just not soon enough for me.
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