After a long sleep

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Things are better now. Less volatile but at the same time no more stable.

Our latest struggle seems to be that I drink too much........so I try to drink less. It’s harder than it seemed originally and I’m doing a bad job of it but she doesn’t seem all that aware. Whether I drink a lot or abstain for a night here or there she’s pretty much always unhappy with me.

I can’t get it up anymore. Lmfao porn doesn’t even work for me these days. And when she does suffer me my attentions she’s offended when I don’t “finish” like somehow it’s her fault or she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I’m sure there’s some part she’s playing but it’s not concrete. It isn’t fixed. Whether it’s bleary me right at bedtime (let’s blame the whiskey and say well my dick is borked) or first thing in the morning when I’m so much in the throes of sleep (which never ever happens) that I finally am capable of a rock hard erections. It never lasts long. And it’s not that I don’t find her attractive it’s more than I’m fucking old.

I’m fat and horrendous and I wouldn’t want to look at me either. Yet somehow she turns it around on me as my failures. I don’t feel sexy therefore I don’t desire sec but somehow he makes it all about her. The sad part is that I still do my duty. Get her off at a minimum of twice and because I don’t finish she is somehow the slighted victim. She also doesn’t initiate anything. I assume this is because I’m fat and ugly and undesirable but it’s been a constant thing since we got married and I wasn’t fat the entire time. In fact st one point I worked out 6 nights a week and she still seemed to have no interest.

We used to blame the birth control. She had no libido because the pills did it. She hasn’t been on birth control in 7 years now and she still expects me to initiate literally everything. Not only does she want me to initiate everything but 4 of 5 times when I initiate it’s not the right time for her. She’s tired. She’s always tired. Sexual interest doesn’t trump tired. For her anyways.

I drink because you don’t want me. Nobody pays any attention to me. I’m bored and I’m sad. I wish for fire so I’m pouring out all the lighter fluid. Alcohol burns soooooooo bright but only when you throw a spark at it.

Went to see my dealer over the weekend.....spent too damned much money. Still waiting for my lawyer to finish up my papers so I can start the clock ticking on the wait for my tax stamp from Uncle Sam. It's going to be a long 6 months unless the BATFE has finally gotten their shit together and slimmed down the absurd wait times.

Got my 300BLK upper coming in tomorrow and I KNOW my dealer is going to try and talk me into the can for it as well but I just don't know if I want to spend that cash. On the one hand it'd be specific to my inbound upper and could be used multical on a standard 556 upper with the proper mount but on the other hand I've ALMOST convinced myself I need the KAC SBR he has in the shelf on a Form 4 which ain't cheap either.

Thing is every bit of this is useful as demonstration hardware for Pariah so it's sometimes difficult to talk myself out of things. Have to see how things are going to go and move from there.

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Why? Why?! Because fuck you, that's why.....

Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?

God it's been a long time hasn't it.....

Some of the things I will say here are truth. Some of the things I say here are merely thoughts or concepts that my brain makes up for my amusement. I refuse to differentiate between them anymore so deal with it. I tried separating the two once before with a concept blog based on a story that was flitting through my head and sadly people couldn't tell my reality from my fantasy so I'm just going to write this one and you can make your own mind up about the damn thing. Get it? Good. Welcome back, me.....Thanks, me I appreciate that.

The way, the truth, and the light

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Ironic isn't it. They say even the devil can quote scripture when it suits his purpose.Well here's my take. I AM the way, THIS is the truth, and THERE IS NO LIGHT. I have no friends left and am becoming less concerned about it by the day. Sure I still have one who talks to me online during the day, and his wife sometimes comments on my Facebook posts but honestly that's about as deep as things get.

I guess I started the divide...the only friends I had live in the city to the East, a good 15 minute drive either way, and they all have nicer homes than we do, but unlike them we never had any serious financial troubles. While a 15 minute drive seems pretty insignificant, and really is when the motivation justifies it, after a while you start to notice a pattern. Almost every weekend we would make the trek over to visit one couple or the other, or more often than not both couples, and make an evening of it but always at their houses. Invites to come to our house were always declined or if "accepted" the venue was immediately changed  and we'd be making the drive yet again. It's difficult to have much self esteem when your closest friends treat you as if somehow you're beneath them. Eventually I just stopped wanting to go.

On agony and despair

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I just discovered the last friend I had left merely tolerates me. I thought the hurtful banter was just that but it seems I give myself more credit than is deserved. How does one cope with something of this magnitude? Donne said "No man is an Iland intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse..." I think he was right in the sense of an individual's choice, but what of the case of a person the world has turned its back upon? On the one hand I've made my bed but on the other I never expected anything from anyone I didn't demand of myself. There's really no question why I pray for death.

The quiet gasps of apathy

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I am called Legion for we are many yet outside of my insignificant existence I am nothing. The circular ramblings of the unfocused mind like the tireless energy of a puppy chasing his tail. What would he do with it should he catch it? I see the big picture but can't change my own version to fit. A bottomless well of misery from denying everything somehow still exists when the denial is over. I'm in control and reaching for things yet I feel guilty for the greed and now the misery is just a new flavor replacing the old but no less bitter in it's own right. I want to go left, so I turn right. I want to be whole, so I sacrifice. I want to be happy, so I hate myself. I want to die, so I continue on in my agony.

...they just seem a little weird...

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I'm dropping Diary of a Dead Man. It's sluggish and unfocused and nobody is really reading it anyway. Also Sleeping With The Enemy is going on hiatus because it's safer simply not to have anything to say. This is a fact I learned a while back but didn't want to accept because I figured it made more sense to say your peace and be honest than lie to people but I have since discovered that to be a flawed theory. It works on paper but so does communism so...

My life has been in limbo for the past month and I'm sick to death of it. Stuck at a fork in the road, staring at it like a monkey doing a math problem, feeling like the kid on the short bus in the helmet licking the window. Decide to go one way and get punched in the face...well fuck...ok then. Stand there for a little while holding your jaw and decide, "Well that was obviously the wrong answer...and I'm still alive so I guess we go the OTHER way right?" So I'm laying in the fetal position a few steps down the OTHER branch of the fork, tears welling up in my eyes, desperately trying to comprehend how getting kicked in the nuts for taking the "not-punched-in-the-face" branch is fair. I swear to god I'm never going to understand this shit...

Anyhow this is the last post I'm going to write for a while, if ever, because now I've made the choice to have nothing to say. To anyone. About anything. I'm never right so I might as well shut the fuck up. So long and thanks for all the fish.