Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I'm checking out for a while. If you need to get in touch with me you know how. If you can't seem to get in touch with me it probably means you don't need to. I'm turning off comment rights for most people because I might want to blog while I'm AWOL but I don't necessarily want to hear what you think. Simple as that. So long and thanks for all the fish.
9.28.2010
9.27.2010
And then there was one
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I told her she hurt me and for the first time in our lives she listened. I told her to leave and she heard me. After all these years I finally got through to her, even though I've been saying the same things the whole time. Part of me is thrilled that she finally gets what she's done to me, but part of me is too burned to care anymore. My life is over at exactly the moment it should have begun all because the moment came almost a decade too late. Which part do I listen to? I know the socially obvious answer but is that really the right one? I need to be loved by someone. I need to be with someone who cares. It's not important anymore who that person is despite my old hope that it would be her.
I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have this problem to deal with. I wish I could sleep until it all went away. I want to hide from the world and hope they all forget I exist. But I can't. I'm here at work like always because I'm such a weak willed person I can't even alter my own path. I have to do what has to be done. Take care of business. That's all I have. That's all I am anymore. A machine. But deep inside I still hurt. I wish I could give over to the automaton completely and not feel anything anymore.
I told her she hurt me and for the first time in our lives she listened. I told her to leave and she heard me. After all these years I finally got through to her, even though I've been saying the same things the whole time. Part of me is thrilled that she finally gets what she's done to me, but part of me is too burned to care anymore. My life is over at exactly the moment it should have begun all because the moment came almost a decade too late. Which part do I listen to? I know the socially obvious answer but is that really the right one? I need to be loved by someone. I need to be with someone who cares. It's not important anymore who that person is despite my old hope that it would be her.
I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have this problem to deal with. I wish I could sleep until it all went away. I want to hide from the world and hope they all forget I exist. But I can't. I'm here at work like always because I'm such a weak willed person I can't even alter my own path. I have to do what has to be done. Take care of business. That's all I have. That's all I am anymore. A machine. But deep inside I still hurt. I wish I could give over to the automaton completely and not feel anything anymore.
9.25.2010
Between a rock and a hard place
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I can't write what I need to. I can't put it into the right words because I don't know how to say it without someone else getting hurt. I'm struggling through the worst period of my entire life right now, and I have no one to help get me through it. I know what I want. I know what I NEED. What I don't know is how to get it. What is the right decision? What is the right answer? Do I continue to hope for the thing that never happens thinking "Well maybe this time will be different" or give up and move on with my life? My world is falling apart and all I want to do is lay down and die. Not have to make a choice. Sleep until it all goes away.
Einstein defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". For the past 8 years I have been insane. Heller said the only way out was to be deemed insane, and the only way to be deemed insane was to request an evaluation, but requesting an evaluation proves sanity because an insane person wouldn't feel a need to be evaluated. Do I ignore my insanity and stay in the situation that has been, and still is, ruining my life or do I admit I'm insane and go out and find what I've been looking for all long? Do I stay miserable to save someone else from pain, or do I save myself? I don't know what to do...
I can't write what I need to. I can't put it into the right words because I don't know how to say it without someone else getting hurt. I'm struggling through the worst period of my entire life right now, and I have no one to help get me through it. I know what I want. I know what I NEED. What I don't know is how to get it. What is the right decision? What is the right answer? Do I continue to hope for the thing that never happens thinking "Well maybe this time will be different" or give up and move on with my life? My world is falling apart and all I want to do is lay down and die. Not have to make a choice. Sleep until it all goes away.
Einstein defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". For the past 8 years I have been insane. Heller said the only way out was to be deemed insane, and the only way to be deemed insane was to request an evaluation, but requesting an evaluation proves sanity because an insane person wouldn't feel a need to be evaluated. Do I ignore my insanity and stay in the situation that has been, and still is, ruining my life or do I admit I'm insane and go out and find what I've been looking for all long? Do I stay miserable to save someone else from pain, or do I save myself? I don't know what to do...
9.20.2010
I'm not dead...
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
...yet. Current events of which I'm not prepared to discuss have conspired to create a "phase" in my life where all of the soul searching and philosophical meanderings of the recent past are thrown to the wind. My life sucks. Period. I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place and I have no hope for the future. My skills are of no help, my mindset is of no use, and my preparations are all for nothing. Shoulder to the plow and wait...same as always...never helped before...maybe this time will be different.
...yet. Current events of which I'm not prepared to discuss have conspired to create a "phase" in my life where all of the soul searching and philosophical meanderings of the recent past are thrown to the wind. My life sucks. Period. I'm stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place and I have no hope for the future. My skills are of no help, my mindset is of no use, and my preparations are all for nothing. Shoulder to the plow and wait...same as always...never helped before...maybe this time will be different.
9.15.2010
Under the weather
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I haven't felt well this week so I haven't been posting...today is a shopping list sans details just because I can. Also don't expect it to make sense...it's vague for a reason. In no particular order...
Sako TRG-22 - 2800.00
TRG-22 Bipod - 430.00
AAC Cyclone - 1075.00 (with stamp)
Federal 308 match - 350.00 (one case)
Pelican 1750 - 200.00
Leupold Mark 4 ER/T - 1600.00
TOTAL 6455.00
G17 - 500.00
Bar-Sto - 320.00
AAC Evo9 - 850.00 (with stamp)
147gr subs - 249.00 (two cases)
Pelican 1470 - 90.00
TOTAL 2009.00
RRA 2-stage LPK - 180.00
RRA A4 Upper (Tric) - 945.00
Magpul PRS - 225.00
Magpul PMAG - 150.00 (10 units)
EOTech 553 - 709.00
NATO556 - 918.00 (two 1K cans)
AAC SPR/M4 - 1445.00 (with stamp)
Pelican 1750 - 200.00
TOTAL 4772.00
Yup that's $13,236.00US...and only one branch of my interests. Thankfully it's not a collection type of interest where I'd want another and another and another. This is a one time purchase sort of thing I can spread over time. I'm going to need to start delivering pizzas at night or something...
I haven't felt well this week so I haven't been posting...today is a shopping list sans details just because I can. Also don't expect it to make sense...it's vague for a reason. In no particular order...
Sako TRG-22 - 2800.00
TRG-22 Bipod - 430.00
AAC Cyclone - 1075.00 (with stamp)
Federal 308 match - 350.00 (one case)
Pelican 1750 - 200.00
Leupold Mark 4 ER/T - 1600.00
TOTAL 6455.00
G17 - 500.00
Bar-Sto - 320.00
AAC Evo9 - 850.00 (with stamp)
147gr subs - 249.00 (two cases)
Pelican 1470 - 90.00
TOTAL 2009.00
RRA 2-stage LPK - 180.00
RRA A4 Upper (Tric) - 945.00
Magpul PRS - 225.00
Magpul PMAG - 150.00 (10 units)
EOTech 553 - 709.00
NATO556 - 918.00 (two 1K cans)
AAC SPR/M4 - 1445.00 (with stamp)
Pelican 1750 - 200.00
TOTAL 4772.00
Yup that's $13,236.00US...and only one branch of my interests. Thankfully it's not a collection type of interest where I'd want another and another and another. This is a one time purchase sort of thing I can spread over time. I'm going to need to start delivering pizzas at night or something...
9.08.2010
Reflections on fear
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
I'm afraid that with the short week business has picked up to the point where I haven't had time today to post. So, instead of my "daily" post, tonight's topic is fear. From an evolutionary standpoint fear is an inborn survival tool that tells us use caution, be aware, survive whatever the cost. Conversely in a society where civilization and law have attempted to negate Darwin's observations regarding the survival of the fittest fear seems to have become relegated to such trivialities as "what shoes go with this bag?". Fear is a root from which a myriad of interconnected emotional responses can grow. Anger, hostility, grief, suspicion, can all find roots in fear. I don't know your intent, so I fear what it MIGHT be. I don't know who you are, so I fear what your goals may be in relation to myself. I don't know if you mean to hurt me, so I am wary of being hurt. I don't know if I can trust you, I don't know if you are lying, I don't know...I don't know...I don't know... Fear creates gods. Fear creates ghosts. Fear creates hatred because others are "different".
Knowledge removes fear. Learn everything you can from everyone willing to teach you something. Consider the infinite possibilities contained in a single scenario and then as you assume one possibility consider how that change will change the scenario and how to react to the change. The worst case scenario. What if... The zombie plan. The apocalypse, the fall of man, the breakdown of everything that you take for granted in your life. What if it all just...went away. How would you react? Is society really so bad? Do you gather together huddled like sheep for the slaughter? Do you escape...vanish like a phantom into the environment prepared to do whatever wherever whenever that you will survive the rest of your days alone. Do you trust others around you to work together toward a mutual benefit in a vain attempt to rebuild what took mankind centuries to accomplish? Do you take a part of this option, and that option...bring those into your fold that can be of use to you, as you might be to them. Share resources and welcome innovation in the face of difficulties but also prepare to ignore every shred of humanity you might retain should situation arise. Fear is mankind's greatest weakness, and humanity's greatest ally. Fear makes us weak. weakness makes us to learn. Fear what you do not know then learn not to fear it. Only then will the human race find our next stage in the world.
I'm afraid that with the short week business has picked up to the point where I haven't had time today to post. So, instead of my "daily" post, tonight's topic is fear. From an evolutionary standpoint fear is an inborn survival tool that tells us use caution, be aware, survive whatever the cost. Conversely in a society where civilization and law have attempted to negate Darwin's observations regarding the survival of the fittest fear seems to have become relegated to such trivialities as "what shoes go with this bag?". Fear is a root from which a myriad of interconnected emotional responses can grow. Anger, hostility, grief, suspicion, can all find roots in fear. I don't know your intent, so I fear what it MIGHT be. I don't know who you are, so I fear what your goals may be in relation to myself. I don't know if you mean to hurt me, so I am wary of being hurt. I don't know if I can trust you, I don't know if you are lying, I don't know...I don't know...I don't know... Fear creates gods. Fear creates ghosts. Fear creates hatred because others are "different".
Knowledge removes fear. Learn everything you can from everyone willing to teach you something. Consider the infinite possibilities contained in a single scenario and then as you assume one possibility consider how that change will change the scenario and how to react to the change. The worst case scenario. What if... The zombie plan. The apocalypse, the fall of man, the breakdown of everything that you take for granted in your life. What if it all just...went away. How would you react? Is society really so bad? Do you gather together huddled like sheep for the slaughter? Do you escape...vanish like a phantom into the environment prepared to do whatever wherever whenever that you will survive the rest of your days alone. Do you trust others around you to work together toward a mutual benefit in a vain attempt to rebuild what took mankind centuries to accomplish? Do you take a part of this option, and that option...bring those into your fold that can be of use to you, as you might be to them. Share resources and welcome innovation in the face of difficulties but also prepare to ignore every shred of humanity you might retain should situation arise. Fear is mankind's greatest weakness, and humanity's greatest ally. Fear makes us weak. weakness makes us to learn. Fear what you do not know then learn not to fear it. Only then will the human race find our next stage in the world.
9.07.2010
Gathering and Dispersal #2
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
This is post two...the positive one.
The Gathering was amazing. I could stop right there and that would be enough. If you read my first post you know I was not impressed with Las Vegas. Everyplace felt cheap, everything was too expensive, and we don't gamble. The Gathering though...that was something to remember. I got to handle knives I can't afford, I shook hands with makers who are my heroes. This was the equivalent of most guys getting to meet a bunch of NFL players, or for women to meet Louis Vuitton in person. I'm a knife groupy...I won't even apologize for it. I was for the first time in a room filled with knives and knife crazy people like myself and didn't see a single junk knife in the whole place. That's more than I can say about the local gun 'n knife shows where I'm from.
It's amazing to me (likely because I'm of the group that considers these makers my heroes) how personable and approachable every single one of them were. Makers like John Gonzales, Jens Anso, Brad Southard (yeah so what if he's a rookie?!), David "Stop calling me Mr. Broadwell, damnit" Broadwell, Ernie Emerson (sadly never got to meet him because I couldn't get near him), Todd 'n Tanya Begg, Mike $nody, Dan Crotts (apprenticed to Dave Mozier) the list goes on and on. And not a single one didn't have a minute to shake my hand and tell me about whatever they had on their table or whatever they had on their workbench back home, or answer a question or just shoot the shit about nothing. I got to hold in my hand knives that I had only seen in pictures on the various forums I frequent. Not just models like the ones I've seen photos of but the actual knives because they hadn't sold yet.
So while I wasn't impressed by Vegas and likely won't be returning next year (though who knows we might find a way to do a short cheap trip just for the show and nothing else) the knife show with real knives and real makers made a major impression. That being said it looks like our next stop is going to be Blade in Atlanta in the spring and I could not be happier about it. The same quality of knives, the same caliber of people, but on a larger scale at a much more affordable pricepoint. Come on Blade 2011!
This is post two...the positive one.
The Gathering was amazing. I could stop right there and that would be enough. If you read my first post you know I was not impressed with Las Vegas. Everyplace felt cheap, everything was too expensive, and we don't gamble. The Gathering though...that was something to remember. I got to handle knives I can't afford, I shook hands with makers who are my heroes. This was the equivalent of most guys getting to meet a bunch of NFL players, or for women to meet Louis Vuitton in person. I'm a knife groupy...I won't even apologize for it. I was for the first time in a room filled with knives and knife crazy people like myself and didn't see a single junk knife in the whole place. That's more than I can say about the local gun 'n knife shows where I'm from.
It's amazing to me (likely because I'm of the group that considers these makers my heroes) how personable and approachable every single one of them were. Makers like John Gonzales, Jens Anso, Brad Southard (yeah so what if he's a rookie?!), David "Stop calling me Mr. Broadwell, damnit" Broadwell, Ernie Emerson (sadly never got to meet him because I couldn't get near him), Todd 'n Tanya Begg, Mike $nody, Dan Crotts (apprenticed to Dave Mozier) the list goes on and on. And not a single one didn't have a minute to shake my hand and tell me about whatever they had on their table or whatever they had on their workbench back home, or answer a question or just shoot the shit about nothing. I got to hold in my hand knives that I had only seen in pictures on the various forums I frequent. Not just models like the ones I've seen photos of but the actual knives because they hadn't sold yet.
So while I wasn't impressed by Vegas and likely won't be returning next year (though who knows we might find a way to do a short cheap trip just for the show and nothing else) the knife show with real knives and real makers made a major impression. That being said it looks like our next stop is going to be Blade in Atlanta in the spring and I could not be happier about it. The same quality of knives, the same caliber of people, but on a larger scale at a much more affordable pricepoint. Come on Blade 2011!
9.06.2010
Gathering and Dispersal #1
Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?
This is post number one on our Vegas vacation....number two will cover the positives.
How do I put a philosophical spin on my trip to Las Vegas...FFS I've had 5 days to try and develop this post. Vegas is NOT my kind of town. The whole trip we played by ear. Mind you I'm not morally or ethically opposed to gambling all I can say is it's just not for me. Food on the other hand...well food is my kryptonite.
On the flight we saw a review of places on the strip and picked what we thought looked best. Steak for two, drinks, sides, etc we walked out for about $200. Worth. Every. Penny. The sandwich shop in the casino at our hotel made magic for a mere $6 a sammich and had the cheapest beer I saw all weekend at $5 a bottle. We spent nearly $40 for breakfast our first morning; the food was good to be sure but not worth the price. After that we ate breakfast at the sandwich shop. One night we decided to go grab a drink before bed and take it up to our room. The tab for one amaretto sour and Crown and Coke...$28. I couldn't even afford a buzz in Vegas. FYI I don't like to name places, this isn't about advertising, but I'll tell anyone who will listen not to go to Beijing Noodle No. 9 in Caesar's Palace. Don't bother. The floor was filthy, we were seated without place settings and had to go ask the hostess if a server was extra because nobody so much as flipped us off. The food was good but the rest of the experience wasn't worth $2. Kara wouldn't let me leave a $20 and walk out on the balance but you can be sure there was no tip left. Anyone who knows me knows that's a huge deal.
We walked, we saw, we had fun but just as often we were annoyed by the world of The Strip. The crowds of Mexicans with "Hot girls to your door in 20 minutes" t-shirts wordlessly assaulting everyone with the constant slapping and flicking of their pamphlets in your face. The guy every ten feet with a cooler yelling "Cole wata juan doe-la" likely the only 4 words in broken English he knew. Astonishingly enough my paranoia left me alone for the weekend, a nice change of pace. The fountains at Bellagio were very entertaining to see, the huge hotels and casinos were amazing, and people from all around the globe were there speaking whatever language you could hope to hear, but somehow I came away struck by a feeling of cheapness. Nothing was quality. Everything was as gaudy and cheap as they could get away with like spray painting a dog turd gold. Sure it's shiny...but it still stinks. And then disaster struck...
Through an error on our part (probably from booking tickets so far in advance) we showed up to the show we so badly wanted to see the day after with our $225 worth of tickets in hand to be told "That was last night...tonight is Cher." Instead the night of the show we sat through a timeshare presentation to get cheap tickets to a topless revue. The tickets turned out to be obstructed view against the back wall of the theater. So we mistakenly traded second row seats (at a show we desperately wanted to see) for nosebleeds at a show we were using to fill the night before OUR show. Well fukk.
This is post number one on our Vegas vacation....number two will cover the positives.
How do I put a philosophical spin on my trip to Las Vegas...FFS I've had 5 days to try and develop this post. Vegas is NOT my kind of town. The whole trip we played by ear. Mind you I'm not morally or ethically opposed to gambling all I can say is it's just not for me. Food on the other hand...well food is my kryptonite.
On the flight we saw a review of places on the strip and picked what we thought looked best. Steak for two, drinks, sides, etc we walked out for about $200. Worth. Every. Penny. The sandwich shop in the casino at our hotel made magic for a mere $6 a sammich and had the cheapest beer I saw all weekend at $5 a bottle. We spent nearly $40 for breakfast our first morning; the food was good to be sure but not worth the price. After that we ate breakfast at the sandwich shop. One night we decided to go grab a drink before bed and take it up to our room. The tab for one amaretto sour and Crown and Coke...$28. I couldn't even afford a buzz in Vegas. FYI I don't like to name places, this isn't about advertising, but I'll tell anyone who will listen not to go to Beijing Noodle No. 9 in Caesar's Palace. Don't bother. The floor was filthy, we were seated without place settings and had to go ask the hostess if a server was extra because nobody so much as flipped us off. The food was good but the rest of the experience wasn't worth $2. Kara wouldn't let me leave a $20 and walk out on the balance but you can be sure there was no tip left. Anyone who knows me knows that's a huge deal.
We walked, we saw, we had fun but just as often we were annoyed by the world of The Strip. The crowds of Mexicans with "Hot girls to your door in 20 minutes" t-shirts wordlessly assaulting everyone with the constant slapping and flicking of their pamphlets in your face. The guy every ten feet with a cooler yelling "Cole wata juan doe-la" likely the only 4 words in broken English he knew. Astonishingly enough my paranoia left me alone for the weekend, a nice change of pace. The fountains at Bellagio were very entertaining to see, the huge hotels and casinos were amazing, and people from all around the globe were there speaking whatever language you could hope to hear, but somehow I came away struck by a feeling of cheapness. Nothing was quality. Everything was as gaudy and cheap as they could get away with like spray painting a dog turd gold. Sure it's shiny...but it still stinks. And then disaster struck...
Through an error on our part (probably from booking tickets so far in advance) we showed up to the show we so badly wanted to see the day after with our $225 worth of tickets in hand to be told "That was last night...tonight is Cher." Instead the night of the show we sat through a timeshare presentation to get cheap tickets to a topless revue. The tickets turned out to be obstructed view against the back wall of the theater. So we mistakenly traded second row seats (at a show we desperately wanted to see) for nosebleeds at a show we were using to fill the night before OUR show. Well fukk.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)