After a long sleep

Have you read -=MY DISCLAIMER=- yet?

Things are better now. Less volatile but at the same time no more stable.

Our latest struggle seems to be that I drink too much........so I try to drink less. It’s harder than it seemed originally and I’m doing a bad job of it but she doesn’t seem all that aware. Whether I drink a lot or abstain for a night here or there she’s pretty much always unhappy with me.

I can’t get it up anymore. Lmfao porn doesn’t even work for me these days. And when she does suffer me my attentions she’s offended when I don’t “finish” like somehow it’s her fault or she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I’m sure there’s some part she’s playing but it’s not concrete. It isn’t fixed. Whether it’s bleary me right at bedtime (let’s blame the whiskey and say well my dick is borked) or first thing in the morning when I’m so much in the throes of sleep (which never ever happens) that I finally am capable of a rock hard erections. It never lasts long. And it’s not that I don’t find her attractive it’s more than I’m fucking old.

I’m fat and horrendous and I wouldn’t want to look at me either. Yet somehow she turns it around on me as my failures. I don’t feel sexy therefore I don’t desire sec but somehow he makes it all about her. The sad part is that I still do my duty. Get her off at a minimum of twice and because I don’t finish she is somehow the slighted victim. She also doesn’t initiate anything. I assume this is because I’m fat and ugly and undesirable but it’s been a constant thing since we got married and I wasn’t fat the entire time. In fact st one point I worked out 6 nights a week and she still seemed to have no interest.

We used to blame the birth control. She had no libido because the pills did it. She hasn’t been on birth control in 7 years now and she still expects me to initiate literally everything. Not only does she want me to initiate everything but 4 of 5 times when I initiate it’s not the right time for her. She’s tired. She’s always tired. Sexual interest doesn’t trump tired. For her anyways.

I drink because you don’t want me. Nobody pays any attention to me. I’m bored and I’m sad. I wish for fire so I’m pouring out all the lighter fluid. Alcohol burns soooooooo bright but only when you throw a spark at it.